🇺🇸 Fueled by Caffeine, Chaos, and Late-Stage Capitalism Apron

 Fueled by Caffeine, Chaos, and Late-Stage Capitalism

You’re not just running errands, baking cookies, or answering emails — you’re surviving the collapse of modern civilization with nothing but caffeine, brute force, and delusion. This piece isn’t just apparel or drinkware — it’s a lifestyle support device for the emotionally caffeinated and socioeconomically exhausted.

Whether you’re rage-frothing your cappuccino or dodging burnout in the office kitchen, this design makes it clear: you're functioning, barely — and only because the espresso is strong and your standards are low.

Perfect for:

• Workplaces where HR already knows your astrological chart

• Kitchen breakdowns between cookie batches

• That sweet spot between political awareness and mental instability

Product Features (if apron, for example):

• 100% polyester canvas — durable enough to survive rent day and marinara spills

• Tie-back closure — holds better than the job market

• Full coverage — shields you from grease, capitalism, and unsolicited opinions

• Multiple strap colors — because chaos should be color-coordinated

Care Instructions:

• Spot clean or machine wash on cold

• Do not microwave your coping mechanism

• Hang dry while you mentally spiral

Caution: May cause spontaneous over-sharing and deeply caffeinated political rants.

🛒 Add to cart before society fully collapses.