Aquarius Men Belong in Prison - Stylish and Whimsical Design for Astrology Lovers

Aquarius Men Belong in Prison

Bhis tote is for those who’ve survived the emotional terrorism of an Aquarius man who thought a book on quantum theory made him emotionally literate. The kind of man who’ll write a dissertation on freedom while breadcrumbing you for 7 months and calling it “nonlinear intimacy.”

He calls himself an anarchist, but runs his dating life like a cult. Obsessed with “the collective” but can’t commit to a dinner plan. He ghosted you for three Mercury retrogrades and came back talking about “growth.” No sir. Straight to prison. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200 worth of vintage vinyl and unmedicated insight.

This bag says:
🖤 I survived the Aquarian mind maze and all I got was this PTSD and polyester.
🖤 I’m done decoding your birth chart.
🖤 If detachment was a crime—he’d be serving life.

Use it to carry your grocery list, emotional boundaries, or printed screenshots for your future therapist. Bring it to brunch, protests, or post-breakup silent retreats. Wherever you go, this tote whispers: “He was never that deep.”

A manifesto in fabric. A warning to others. A sentence that fits the crime.

Perfect for:

• Carrying all the emotional baggage he left you with

• Weekend trips to your friends' couch after yet another spiral

• Holding crystals, court documents, and hard truths

Product Features:

• 100% Polyester Body – As impenetrable as his emotional walls.

• Reinforced Stitching – For holding it together when he won’t text back.

• Boxed Corners – Because he only gives love in calculated margins.

• 5 Handle Colors – To match your post-breakdown aesthetic.

• 3 Size Options – Depending on how much trauma you’re unpacking.

Care Instructions:

• Remove all contents (including delusions of future plans).

• Pretreat visible stains (especially if you spilled red wine during your emotional unraveling).

• Wash gently by hand or machine, then let it air dry while you process everything he didn’t say.

Warning: Carrying this tote may result in sudden liberation, increased sarcasm levels, and a renewed fear of men who cite Nietzsche on the first date.