To Ascend is to Crash Out Meditative Tote Bag

Some cope with work stress by stress-eating in the breakroom. Others take up yoga, mindfulness, or scream therapy. You? You’ve accepted that the only true way to ascend is to crash straight through the glass ceiling of sanity. No passive-aggressive emails. No deep breathing. Just pure, unfiltered catharsis, and maybe a mild HR violation.

This tote is your battle standard in the war against corporate nonsense, performative workplace wellness, and that one coworker who "just wants to play devil’s advocate." It’s a stylish, functional coping mechanism for toxic work culture, absurd deadlines, and the slow decay of your will to exist between the hours of 9 and 5.

But wait—there’s more! This tote isn’t just for work. It’s for navigating the absolute dystopian hellscape we now call daily life. As the world teeters on the brink of yet another economic crisis, environmental collapse, and the eerie realization that the simulation might actually be glitching, this tote has your back. It’s a survival kit. A statement. A talisman against existential dread.

Perfect for:

• The corporate gladiator who’s one Teams call away from snapping.

• The overworked, underpaid employee who should’ve unionized yesterday.

• The work bestie who needs a tangible sign of solidarity (or a gag gift that hits a little too close to home).

• Anyone who wants to carry their resignation letter in style.

• Doomsday preppers who don’t have the energy to dig a bunker but still want to be prepared.

• Anyone actively observing the end of times and saying, "Yep, checks out."

Product Features:

- 100% Polyester body – Built to withstand all stages of your corporate breakdown and the collapse of modern civilization.
- Seamless thread color – Because inner turmoil should look clean on the outside.
- Reinforced stitching on handles – Strong enough to hold work-induced resentment and emergency canned goods.
- Boxed corners – Spacious enough for your laptop, dignity, and the will to quit.
- Customization options – Available in 3 sizes & 5 handle colors to match your aesthetic, whether it’s burnout chic, doomsday noir, or quiet quitting couture.

Care Instructions:

⚠️ Remove all items before cleaning (including passive-aggressive sticky notes and receipts for bad financial decisions).
⚠️ Pre-treat visible stains—some battles leave scars.
⚠️ Hand wash with warm water & detergent—or let the company’s poor management wash away your soul first.
⚠️ Air dry only—much like your enthusiasm for team-building exercises and the remnants of Western civilization.

Take it to therapy. Bring it to work. Use it as a warning. Either way, carry it like a prophecy.